I, Chairman Mao’s Cultural Revolution, Would Like Some Credit for Your Attempt to Destroy the Government
Hey! Psst! Elon, Donald — over here! Fellas, it’s me, the Cultural Revolution. You know, the mass movement led by Chairman Mao that sent China into upheaval in the 1960s? It’s been a while, but I’m loving what you guys are doing in the U.S. And I’m just wondering why you’re not giving me credit for any of it.
Oh, you say you haven’t heard of the Cultural Revolution? Come on, you’ve been talking about me nonstop for years. You said “cancel culture” is a new version of me. You said college campuses are just like me. Woke mobs, trigger warnings, DEI potlucks — you can’t stop bringing me up. One of your friends even wrote a bestselling book called “America’s Cultural Revolution.” That’s me, right there in the title! But now, suddenly, it’s like I don’t even exist. What gives, guys?
Let’s get real for a second. Being mean to people in classrooms? That’s not my main thing. That was, like, my side hustle at best. That was what I did when I was tired of all the real work and just wanted to look like I was being productive.
What you guys are doing now, though — that’s my jam. Purging bureaucrats? I love it. Weaponizing the law to attack your opponents? Yes, please. Sending a 19-year-old named Big Balls to indiscriminately fire people and prevent the state from functioning? Please, I invented that shit. If you’re gonna send in work teams of disaffected teenagers to root out disloyalty to protect an aging, unstable leader, you’re just playing my greatest hits. I perfected the art of destruction just for the sake of destruction. That’s the Cultural Fucking Revolution, boys.
So, like, how about a little shout-out? A little acknowledgement? A little respect for the elders who came before you? I walked so you could run this country into the ground.
I know that China’s Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution can be a bit of a mouthful, so you can just call me Culty for short.
Look, I don’t need all the attention. But ever since they branded me the “Ten Years of Chaos” and tried to disown me in China, I’ve been a little depressed. I thought it would never get any better. But things have been getting more purge-y in China these days, and with you guys in charge I’m starting to feel pretty good about America, too. I’m turning 60 next year, and what can I say? I feel old. It would be nice to get some positive attention going into the big 6–0. Couldn’t you at least send a thank-you card?
You didn’t ask for any advice, but let me give it to you straight. Nothing lasts forever. The universities and laboratories you shut down might come back, and people might want the state to “function” again. Losers! But don’t be discouraged. You will have set back scientific research for a generation, created pervasive distrust throughout society, and caused incalculable amounts of unnecessary pain and suffering just to boost your own egos. And you can be proud of that for the rest of your lives.
In the meantime, I’m here to help. You keep talking about how your enemies have poisoned the culture so deeply that you need a revolution, so just tell the good folks of America where these ideas came from. When you’re ready to take the next step and stir up some widespread violence, I’ve got plenty more tips and tricks for you guys — if you’ll finally acknowledge me.
